overwhelmed

today.... i am feeling overwhelmed. i feel like there is so much to do and not enough time. i need more time. i feel like my life has been thrown into a blender and set on "high"

all i want is a pause button. to collect my thoughts, to line up all my appointments, to figure out what i need to do my last few "free" days. i'm ready to start this, i just want one more day.

yesterday, the dr called and said he really couldn't wait for the bone marrow test. and asked me if i could be a his office at noon. well... it was already 10:30 and i woke up at 10:29. so for someone using only one lung, it didn't leave me a lot of time. but we made it! i found out that the procedure was done during the doctors lunch time. that is how bad they wanted it done.

it was maybe the most painful thing i have ever experienced. first of all, i was not emotionally prepared for it. which if you know me, i have to prepare for everything. one hour was not enough "prep" for me. getting a GIANT needle twisted into your back over and over again was not my favorite.

luckily, nolan let me hold his hands during the whole thing. and, yes, his hands are still fully functional after that :-) he talked me through the whole thing. he wiped my tears, repeatedly. and held my tissues for me when i had to blow my nose. he held himself together for me. i would not have made it through the whole thing without him. i would have hopped up off the table and said "no thanks."

it was a very emotional day for me. afterwards when i thought i was done, they called me over and wanted to see if i could get my PICC line inserted at the hospital as well. i couldn't keep myself together, i lost it. i begged nolan not to let them schedule me. i begged him to take me home and just let me sleep. what a horrible place for him to be in. wanting to emotionally take care of me, but knowing physically i needed this done.

the problem is,  i have to have the PICC line, and the schedule isn't very open. PRAISE GOD they didn't have room for me. i was able to go out to the car and cry (again.) i think i was teary eyed the whole way home. it really took a lot out of me.

i took the bandage off today (24 hrs later) and it isn't pretty. just sitting, i am in pain. if i try to move it is painful. i have holes in my lower back surrounded by some pretty blue bruises. cousin rico said it looks like i was attacked by a giant vampire :-D

hopefully the pain will go away soon. i believe it will.

now i am trying to mentally prepare for the rest of the week. what needs to be done? besides all of the appointments that i have scheduled.?

so i googled "what to do before chemo" and now i am a little worried. they say i need to go to a dentist, and get my teeth cleaned and completely in order before chemo starts. i've got 2 days to get this done, along with 4 other appts. yay! we will try.

i am not even looking at what else they recommend. i don't think i can take it right now. they recommend  things like going "away" for a weekend, or buying a chemo hat... sappy stuff. but the real info i need, i don't want to look at right now. although going and buying a scarf sounds like fun.

like i said, my life has been thrown into a blender, creating a whirlwind. i am still happy, and positive. i am just looking at how close wednesday is. and as i write this, damien rice is playing in my headphones "time, give me time!" and i can say that i agree.