Sunday, January 16, 2011


today.... i am feeling overwhelmed. i feel like there is so much to do and not enough time. i need more time. i feel like my life has been thrown into a blender and set on "high"

all i want is a pause button. to collect my thoughts, to line up all my appointments, to figure out what i need to do my last few "free" days. i'm ready to start this, i just want one more day.

yesterday, the dr called and said he really couldn't wait for the bone marrow test. and asked me if i could be a his office at noon. well... it was already 10:30 and i woke up at 10:29. so for someone using only one lung, it didn't leave me a lot of time. but we made it! i found out that the procedure was done during the doctors lunch time. that is how bad they wanted it done.

it was maybe the most painful thing i have ever experienced. first of all, i was not emotionally prepared for it. which if you know me, i have to prepare for everything. one hour was not enough "prep" for me. getting a GIANT needle twisted into your back over and over again was not my favorite.

luckily, nolan let me hold his hands during the whole thing. and, yes, his hands are still fully functional after that :-) he talked me through the whole thing. he wiped my tears, repeatedly. and held my tissues for me when i had to blow my nose. he held himself together for me. i would not have made it through the whole thing without him. i would have hopped up off the table and said "no thanks."

it was a very emotional day for me. afterwards when i thought i was done, they called me over and wanted to see if i could get my PICC line inserted at the hospital as well. i couldn't keep myself together, i lost it. i begged nolan not to let them schedule me. i begged him to take me home and just let me sleep. what a horrible place for him to be in. wanting to emotionally take care of me, but knowing physically i needed this done.

the problem is,  i have to have the PICC line, and the schedule isn't very open. PRAISE GOD they didn't have room for me. i was able to go out to the car and cry (again.) i think i was teary eyed the whole way home. it really took a lot out of me.

i took the bandage off today (24 hrs later) and it isn't pretty. just sitting, i am in pain. if i try to move it is painful. i have holes in my lower back surrounded by some pretty blue bruises. cousin rico said it looks like i was attacked by a giant vampire :-D

hopefully the pain will go away soon. i believe it will.

now i am trying to mentally prepare for the rest of the week. what needs to be done? besides all of the appointments that i have scheduled.?

so i googled "what to do before chemo" and now i am a little worried. they say i need to go to a dentist, and get my teeth cleaned and completely in order before chemo starts. i've got 2 days to get this done, along with 4 other appts. yay! we will try.

i am not even looking at what else they recommend. i don't think i can take it right now. they recommend  things like going "away" for a weekend, or buying a chemo hat... sappy stuff. but the real info i need, i don't want to look at right now. although going and buying a scarf sounds like fun.

like i said, my life has been thrown into a blender, creating a whirlwind. i am still happy, and positive. i am just looking at how close wednesday is. and as i write this, damien rice is playing in my headphones "time, give me time!" and i can say that i agree.


  1. I love reading your thoughts! The way that you are so open and vulnerable is just amazing! God has such huge and wonderful plans for you! Thank you for sharing your feelings and your honesty about everything!

  2. Hi Hunnny (hope its OK to call you "Hunny".) I am your Granma Gails "boss". I had a big battle with Hodgkins as a 17yr old. Ive watched your journey and feel for you every step of the way. Hang in there with your wonderfully positive attitude. And keep that Nolan at your side! I want to tell you that you just went through the worst thing with the bone marrow biobsy. I only have a few vivid memories that I can quickly recall (Im a survivor of over 30 years!!!!), and the bone marrow biopsy is top of the list. So really, that was the worst of it. For me, chemo was bad. But, the chemos are so much better now from what I hear. Hey, you may lose your hair, but your smile is so amazingly gorgeous that photographs will need a flash due to how your smile will "pop" !
    Its wonderful for you to write this journey. You write beautifully. Your descrption, using the "blender" metaphor is spot on. It took me back. So as you go through this, I hold you up in my thoughts and prayers. And, you minister to me. I still am sorting my thoughts and feelings out, after all these years.

    Please feel free to contact me ANYTIME for questions or just to talk. Granma Gail can put us together.

    Take Care,
    Karen Blockley 661-203-2233

  3. Hugs, Amy, and God bless you sweetie! The Logue family is on our knees beseeching the Lord on your behalf. If your family needs anything let us know! - Alisa Logue

  4. Amy, This post really got to my mothers heart. It made me just want to make it all better for you! You have such a gift for putting your feelings into words and allowing us to feel your raw emotions. I know that God has something big for you in all of this. Just lean into the Lord like never before and trust Him to give your the peace that only He can give! We love you and are praying for you continually!
    Love Tammy and Kevin

  5. Hi Aimee!!
    The Silk family is watching for your blog and praying for you. Brittney says hello!!
    Much, much grace to you and Nolan!
    Healing to you in Jesus name!!

  6. Hi Aimee,
    Thanx for posting this blog to keep us all up to date. I want you to know that you have continually been on my mind and in my prayers as well as your family. I'm so glad that you and Nolan came back to Grants Pass to be with your families. You are also in the prayers of my church as well as my mom's church. Remember that God is with you every step of the way and that he loves you more than you can ever imagine. Hugs to you. Love you, Debbie

  7. Aimee, first, we LOVE you! Second, I pray that while God brings you to complete healing, He will also give you the strength, courage and patience that you need as you begin this journey and walk this road, one step at a time, hand in hand with Him. Take each day one at a time as it comes. Take each appointment, decision, etc one at a time followed by a slow deep breath (I know it's hard). I'm sure it's all incredibly overwhelming and difficult, but keep sight through it all of the end. You will be a healthy and strong woman with strength, wisdom and faith that you never even knew was possible. You are doing amazing. Keep you head up hun. We love you and are praying for you. xoxoxo, Veronica

  8. Hi Aimee, you don't know me, but I know Nolan from high school. I'm Mark Heater's mom. I just wanted to let you know we're praying for healing for you, for wisdom for the doctors treating you, and for your family. May the Lord bless you richly; may He open the windows of heaven and pour out blessings abundantly beyond all you can imagine. One day at a time, and remember God holds you in the palm of His hand. xoxo Darcie

  9. Aimee
    I hope everything goes well today Im pretty sure you said you start your chemo today....How did the Picc line go? You will do praying for you .kristin

  10. Aimee - you don't know me (I'm seeing a lot of comments start like this and while it has to be a little freaky - I try think of it in terms of how many people love you, that love the people that love you and are reaching out with prayers and hope). Anyhow, I'm a friend of Veronica's in Santa Cruz and as a mother, a wife, a daughter - I'm absolutely moved to tears by the pain, the fear and by the braveness, the strength and love that is pouring out of you and all that love and know you. I pray that God will guide your medical team, your family and everyone around you with peace, knowledge and a heart full of love. May God Bless you everyday.
    Shara Sheard