Wednesday, February 9, 2011


today i am back in for round 2 of chemo. i thought i had another week left until i had to come back..... but nope. so last night was hard, i was just getting back to feeling "normal." i was planning on going for walks everyday. nolan and i had things planned, but the doc said, today. i had a little cry, and we scrambled to get everything together to make it over to medford this morning.

they started chemo a little late, so this might mean i'm in here for one more night..... we will see.

but i wanted to blog about love, and how this process has changed me.

the love for my husband has grown immensely these last couple of months. not because of the support he has given me (which he has) but because of the love i see in his eyes. its like this journey has brought us so much closer together, and it has barely begun. which is so exciting! i have a deeper love for him that i didn't think was possible. 

 i cannot express in words the love i feel for him right now, or how it has grown.  i wish i could eloquently put into words my love, our love. it may sound mushy, but it is my heart. he is my best friend. his sense of wisdom outstands me through this.  normal things that would tear people apart has strengthened us. my heart overflows when I think of my husband now, more so than ever. i feel like i’m dating my husband. that we are in a “honey-moon” stage. a honey-moon stage during cancer? what?

the day you hear you have cancer, and you go to lay down in bed that night and all you can do is smile and laugh with your husband, new level of love. we don't argue anymore, about anything. we sit and have the best conversations and laughter is our medicine. it's like we are new people. we have a new marriage. i told him the other day how much i love him and how i cannot express this love, that i want to marry him all over again when this comes to an end. i want to go on a trip when this is over and marry him all over again. just him and i on a beach. not a wedding. a marriage. it makes me smile.

 i feel like a new couple. i feel like this journey has strengthened and grown our marriage into something it would have never been without the cancer.

it's not that cancer is good for my life, but what is happening through the situation of cancer is a glorious opportunity. that we are grabbing hold of full-force. what was meant for harm, is being turned into good. and i receive all the goodness :-)

my love for the Lord has grown immensely also. i don't have any fear, and i don't question "why?" which can only be a blanket of peace from Him. i cannot explain the way that i feel wrapped in His arms at times. it is so relaxing, i feel like i can just fall asleep (with a smile on my face)

all of the junk in our lives have faded away. the little unimportant things that used to run our lives at times are gone. so all that's left is love for my husband, and my Savior. and the 3 together is a beautiful thing. i think it is the first time i have truly experienced this. and i am loving it!

every time i see my husband, i see him through new eyes. there are time we just lay in bed and stare at each other. i watch him when doesn't even know i'm looking, and i see this man that has grown and blossomed also from this experience.

nolan and i talk about not just wanting to survive this journey, we want to THRIVE. it overwhelms my heart at times. i really cannot put into words how i feel. how i feel that i have grown 5 years in theses 2 months. my husband told me the other day, he loves seeing me grow into this woman that he always knew i was. and i love coming out of my "shell."

i love the line from the book "crazy sexy cancer" where she says  "why, when we are challenged to survive, do we give ourselves permission to truly live?" enough said!! i want to truly live.

right now my worst days, are better than some people's good days. it blows my mind.

why does it take getting a diagnosis of "cancer" for us to wake up and start living our lives? it truly has opened my eyes and i will never be the same. beauty from ashes.... beauty from ashes

Saturday, February 5, 2011


i never thought i would say this..... but i am going bald at the ripe old age of 22. hair is everywhere. it even follows me like i can save it. hair in the bed, hair on a chair, hair on the floor, and don't forget the shower drain.... (sorry dad!)

i'm not sad to be rid of my hair..... i will be saving so much money on hair supplies;-)

but if it doesn't all fallout by tomorrow, i am shaving it. being proactive?

i know i will have mixed feelings about being bald, and i'm sure i'll cry here and there. but when i am going through a chemo treatment and i don't have to deal with my hair..... i will be smiling.

in fact i will probably feel sorry for everyone who has hair, they have to do it , wash it, dry it, style it.... and i just get to sit back and enjoy my baldness. and then a wonderful shampoo commercial will come on and i will probably sob like a baby.

which comes to crying..... man it has been happening a lot... for no reason. (well besides the whole cancer thing.) nolan posted some of my drugs earlier, which i take around the clock (gag me.) i mean really, i don't feel like waking up at 5am to take another pill. but they all have to be spread out, and ruin my life :-) but im sure they aren't helping me stay emotionally stable.

i have a nice gallon size baggie full of rx's that i take with me everywhere. because who knows when that nice alarm on my phone is going to tell me to take the next one. i probably look like a freak walking down the street (which i don't actually do) carrying a zip-lock bag full of pills. i'm sure i look like a creeper.

the first week after chemo was the hardest. physically and emotionally... i'm not sure why.... but it may be due to the fact that i still have poison in my system. i'm going to ask the doc about this before out next round..... which falls sometime around valentines day (ahhhhh)

but as of right now i am feeling good. and hopefully it stays this way. because i don't like blogging about my bad days (which is why there weren't any for awhile)

Systems, Simplicity, Organic, Trials and Glory

Nolan here again. Up till 3 am conversing and mulling over things with the Father. Here are my thoughts for tonight and a good feel on where things are with Aimee, thrown in with a little Nolan flavor. Hope you enjoy, and remember, Jesus stirred things up and offended people way before I ever did. ;-) Love you all...

It amazes me that there is a switch inside of us that can only be turned on during the toughest of trials. There are things to discover and doors to unlock that cannot be unlock without the investment of a trial. The bigger the door, the greater the incite, the bigger the treasure, the bigger the trial. It seems like the biggest doors are the ones lowest to the ground. The greatest incites and the most well hidden. The biggest treasures are at the greatest depths of the deepest oceans. The biggest trials are set aside for the greatest of men.

Despite what you have understood or been told, God wants you to be great, He has a Glory that He wants you to enjoy with Him.  John 17:22-'The glory which you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one.' God has given us a Glory to embellish in for the purpose of becoming more at one with each other and Him.

So we understand that trials and glory are events and pieces of His Kingdom that He has for us here on Earth.

So I am going through a trail with my wife. She has cancer and I have just had a knee surgery. We are in a desperate situation, which is perfect. I've always thought the perfect places for rain storms are the deserts of thirsty people. So I believe God is pouring out on us right now. These trials are being used by Him and now have a Kingdom purpose. Satan fired an arrow and now it is backfiring because 20 are being fired back, Ha!

So here is what he's pouring out currently. His Glory is something that was poured out on the Son and then poured out on Us for the purpose of bringing unity, oneness. Closer to each other and Him at the same time. Equal and the same. We can't have one without the other.

There is also a nature of Himself He is revealing of His unique originality. The way He is, His plans, His nature, His characteristics, His Church, His people... it's all an original idea that has never changed.
This will all come together eventually, stay with it.
As my wife battles cancer I am reading a ton. I'm becoming a full time student of Large BCell Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I could tell you all about it. Where it comes from, what they think causes it, what the common treatments are, how it works, symptoms, the number of people diagnosed every year with it. I'm officially schooled on the cancer.
What I'm also discovering is that, this sucks, but even Cancer falls into the system. The diagnosing of it and the treatment of it is a business. (Lots of controversy surrounding this topic so forgive me, or forgive yourself if you disagree lol ;])
Pharmaceutical companies, Doctors, Hospitals, Nurses, Scientists, all make more money as long as cancer exists. We get cancer, the system makes Millions... Billions... Maybe Trillions worldwide. 
Here is what we also know. If we have treatments that are Organic, Vitamin based, Herbal based, this system loses a lot of money!! There is no money for anyone in the Organic, Vitamin, Naturalpathic, herbal healing methods. It is so cheep to get a vitamin, grow an herb, or drink a tea. It cost lots of money for a pil or a shot.
What I am finding also is that these natural methods are often demonized. 
Aimee is currently on 7 medicines. Compazine, Klor Con, Vicodin, clarithromycin, Fluconazole, Adivan, and Zofran. These medicines help battle the side effects of Chemotherapy. Other drugs help battle the side effects of the drugs that fight the side effects of the Chemo. This can go on and on and go pretty deep. What she is battling is Nausea, Loss of Appetite, Weight loss,  Sleepless nights, and body pains mainly. These drugs help that, kindof. So ready for controversy? One of these 7 pills, Compazine, has these side effects:

Blurred vision; chills; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; jitteriness; nasal congestion; sleeplessness.

Contact doctor right away if any of these extreme side effects occur:
Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); agitation; altered mental abilities, including lack of response to your surroundings; changes in breasts; changes in menstrual period; changes in vision; difficulty swallowing; drooling; excessive sweating; fever; inability to move eyes; increased body heat; involuntary movements of tongue, face, mouth, or jaw (eg, protrusion of tongue, puffing of cheeks, puckering of mouth, chewing movements); irregular or fast heartbeat; mask-like face; muscle spasms of face, neck, or back; muscle stiffness; prolonged or painful erection; restlessness; rigid muscles; shuffling walk; sore throat; tension in legs; tremors; twitching or twisting movements; unusual eye movements; weakness of arms or legs; yellowing of the skin or eyes.

Ok here is the controversy. What one natural herb could replace most of these medicines. What natural herb can be taken that has Zero recorded deaths caused by the herb itself? What natural Herb helps fight off Nausea, Weight loss, decreased appetite, sleepless nights and body pains? You guessed it, the all so popular, often abused, Medical Marijuana. It's politically a no-no, religiously a no-no, and a money making no-no. Now I've been against it my whole life. Never tried it, only seen it one time, hated it and when people smoked it I strongly, strongly judged them. But this is shocking to me. My wife can take all these pills with side effects from here to the moon, or she can take a Medical Marijuana pill and have the one side effect of being a little floaty and getting the munchies. Ha. Please put aside prior judgements and viewpoints on this and read that again. She can take a single Medical Marijuana pill and have the side effects virtually done away with. Done. Gone. But our systems makes this a hugely ostracized option. I have made this a non-option. I have said, give her whatever Drugs she needs, she will not be using pot. Reality check... GOD MADE MARIJUANA!!! Oops.. Hmmm... Now it is smoked and abused, but it doesn't have to be.

At multiple points we have also been told by multiple nurses and doctors that it is dangerous to take vitamins or supplements while on Chemo. We've been told to be careful with the vitamins we take as they could kill Aimee. 'Vitamins can be deadly things' Reality check: In the past 23 years, 8 deaths have occurred on the speculation that the vitamins killed the patient. And all 8 of those cases cannot be proven and are based upon an educated guesses and speculation. Yet, 106,000 people died due to medicine that was correctly prescribed and correctly taken by the patient...LAST YEAR!
Would someone please slap me in the face and repeat that. Did I just miss something? SLAP! Ok nope, still there. I didn't miss anything. 
Here is the problem. There is no money to be made in eating RAW veggies, fruits, juicing, smoothies, organic, herbal, hippy lifestyles. (If you think this is all a lifestyle thing and Im a long haired hippy, well, my wife and I are BIC shaving our heads on Sunday, so there goes that theory.) But that's the truth. I asked one question with a nurse about food and nutrition and the statement came back at me, 'Oh, you're one of those guys. Long haired, nutritional, hippy gurus.' I felt like responding with, 'You're damn right I'm one of those guys!" 
The fact of the matter is, this isn't the doctor or nurse's fault. An average Medicinal Doctor goes through 10-12 years of schooling. In those years, our system makes the student take A COMBINED ONE SEMESTER OF NUTRITION. Again, kick me in between my legs, clear my eyes and let me read that again. Op, no change. That is outrageous, infuriating almost! But we don't hate the Doctors, we hate the Cancer. The priority is a cancer free wife and a body that won't allow it to come back, EVER!

We are dealing with the health side of this but here is what I am getting to, bringing it all back together now.
God is into simplicity. God is not into systems. God is into Organic. He is not so much into man made things (i.e.; drugs, institutions, religion...).

This is displayed not only in our Community but in the way we do Church. The idea should be that the Church gathers, we dont gather at Church. Life isn't about showing up at some service to download all you need in life and then trying to go out and live it out. Life is about constantly being under that faucet of downloads from the Father and constantly living it out. Life isn't about where one man stands on Medical Marijuana, where one woman sits on the issue of abortion, where one man stands on His eternal view of the homosexual community. God has answers for all those things, but He hates religion more than all of them combined. The Religious System excommunicates the Marijuana user. The Religious System makes abortion a salvational issue. The Religious System condemns the homosexual and expresses God's hatred for the homosexual, when God actually LOVES the homosexual, but only hates homosexuality.
Life is about unity, doing life together, being involved in a constant Kingdom download. Choosing to do life with a group of people called the church. It's not about being married in temples or Churches. It's not about your willingness and dedication to show up and listen to someone talk and worship in an expressive way with a band and preacher on a stage. It is about simple, organic, easily duplicatable ways of living a life as a Christian, or a Believer, or a Jesus Freak, whatever you want to call it. This thing they used to call 'The Way', it used to look a bit different than the way we are doing it now. In fact, it looked A LOT different. And though it may not be popular or financial acceptable for a lot of people at this point, an organic expression of this Church might be something this world needs more than anything! The side effects could all be cured with this one change.