today i am back in for round 2 of chemo. i thought i had another week left until i had to come back..... but nope. so last night was hard, i was just getting back to feeling "normal." i was planning on going for walks everyday. nolan and i had things planned, but the doc said, today. i had a little cry, and we scrambled to get everything together to make it over to medford this morning.
they started chemo a little late, so this might mean i'm in here for one more night..... we will see.
but i wanted to blog about love, and how this process has changed me.
the love for my husband has grown immensely these last couple of months. not because of the support he has given me (which he has) but because of the love i see in his eyes. its like this journey has brought us so much closer together, and it has barely begun. which is so exciting! i have a deeper love for him that i didn't think was possible.
i cannot express in words the love i feel for him right now, or how it has grown. i wish i could eloquently put into words my love, our love. it may sound mushy, but it is my heart. he is my best friend. his sense of wisdom outstands me through this. normal things that would tear people apart has strengthened us. my heart overflows when I think of my husband now, more so than ever. i feel like i’m dating my husband. that we are in a “honey-moon” stage. a honey-moon stage during cancer? what?
the day you hear you have cancer, and you go to lay down in bed that night and all you can do is smile and laugh with your husband, new level of love. we don't argue anymore, about anything. we sit and have the best conversations and laughter is our medicine. it's like we are new people. we have a new marriage. i told him the other day how much i love him and how i cannot express this love, that i want to marry him all over again when this comes to an end. i want to go on a trip when this is over and marry him all over again. just him and i on a beach. not a wedding. a marriage. it makes me smile.
i feel like a new couple. i feel like this journey has strengthened and grown our marriage into something it would have never been without the cancer.
it's not that cancer is good for my life, but what is happening through the situation of cancer is a glorious opportunity. that we are grabbing hold of full-force. what was meant for harm, is being turned into good. and i receive all the goodness :-)
my love for the Lord has grown immensely also. i don't have any fear, and i don't question "why?" which can only be a blanket of peace from Him. i cannot explain the way that i feel wrapped in His arms at times. it is so relaxing, i feel like i can just fall asleep (with a smile on my face)
all of the junk in our lives have faded away. the little unimportant things that used to run our lives at times are gone. so all that's left is love for my husband, and my Savior. and the 3 together is a beautiful thing. i think it is the first time i have truly experienced this. and i am loving it!
every time i see my husband, i see him through new eyes. there are time we just lay in bed and stare at each other. i watch him when doesn't even know i'm looking, and i see this man that has grown and blossomed also from this experience.
nolan and i talk about not just wanting to survive this journey, we want to THRIVE. it overwhelms my heart at times. i really cannot put into words how i feel. how i feel that i have grown 5 years in theses 2 months. my husband told me the other day, he loves seeing me grow into this woman that he always knew i was. and i love coming out of my "shell."
i love the line from the book "crazy sexy cancer" where she says "why, when we are challenged to survive, do we give ourselves permission to truly live?" enough said!! i want to truly live.
right now my worst days, are better than some people's good days. it blows my mind.
why does it take getting a diagnosis of "cancer" for us to wake up and start living our lives? it truly has opened my eyes and i will never be the same. beauty from ashes.... beauty from ashes